Pigeon in the workplace? A contingency...
There is a small possibility that one day a pigeon will infiltrate your place of work. Memorise the following plan, and in the event, act on it unhesitatingly. You will be revered as a person of action and steady nerve by your colleagues.
- Distract the pigeon with food. Scatter breadcrumbs in an area of open floor.
- Find a paper recycling bin: preferably one that is a tall cardboard cuboid.
- Empty the recycling bin by over-dramatically upturning and shaking it. If there is a liner remove that too.
- Sneak up on the pigeon with the upturned recycling bin. Sneak in the manner of a cat burglar or ninja, not a sex offender.
- Snare the pigeon! Lean on it mightily, as if you were suppressing a geyser.
- Shout “Paper! Paper! I need paper!” at your colleagues.
- When someone offers you letter-size or A4 paper, shout “Damn it, man, does it look like a daddy longlegs!” (Shout daddy-f****ing-longlegs if you’d get away with it).
- Slide an A1 size or A0 size piece of paper (we’re talking several feet long by several feet wide) under the upturned bin. If your office does not have a ready supply of paper this size, get some in advance and keep it in a safe place. You can now direct a colleague to your stash of “emergency paper”.
- Fold up the paper, and tape down to the edges to the sides of the recycle bin, so as the paper forms a taut drumhead over the open bin top.
- Gently turn the bin the right way up.
- Find a window with a view of the sky that will open wide enough to point the bin out of. If you don’t have one, you’ll have to take the bin outside, but bring as many of your colleagues with you as you can.
- Point the bin out of the window. Get a colleague to hold it in position.
- Retrieve a biro from your pocket. Pop the lid off with your thumb.
- Pierce the paper, and pull at back very suddenly. The pigeon will bolt for the sky.
- Casually take the bin, replace its contents and lid in its normal position and go calmly back to work.
